I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Randomize
