$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
