My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
