My room smells like vodka and shame
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
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