Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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