apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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