Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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