coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
