I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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