I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
