Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Randomize
