While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Enjoy the penises
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
