yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
