seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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