what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
