Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
