just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
