girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
