My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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