Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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