So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
