Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
