I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
