I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
