You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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