I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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