My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
