she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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