If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
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