life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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