So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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