Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
