I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
