I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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