I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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