remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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