She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
