things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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