She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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