My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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