Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
