WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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