Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
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