It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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