So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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