he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
