yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
