Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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