Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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