I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize
