i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
