I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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