Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize