Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
