oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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