Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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