I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Randomize
